Kouda Mainframe

rI’m charged with negativity right now, just so you know. A heads up, if you may. Okay, Y’know how people say "if you struggle, you can make it", or "you can do it if you try hard enough". Yea well, I can only say this; Lies, Deceit, Fake Hopes, Stop it…

"If you struggle, you can make it". Why? If you struggle, and you fail, wouldnt it hurt more? If you try and you end up with the same results as when you barely cared, wouldn’t it feel like a huge knife going through your lump of blood and flesh called "heart"?.

I’m sick of it. "You can do it if you try hard enough". Bull…I try. And I can’t count how many times I shed tears for every single failure that followed. Yea, I kinda cried. No shame in that. I know I’m weak. I don’t need people lying to me, saying that I’m not trying hard enough. I’m sick of people comparing me to everyone else. "Look at him. If he can do it, so can you."… … …"Look at her, she’s brilliant. You can be the same if you put enough effort into it".

Everytime I look back at the times I try and failed, it just keep losing more of myself. Today, I actually thought of skipping my microbiology lab’s briefing just so that I could go sulk in some quiet place. All because my Biochem test results were expectedly below my expectations. I tried. I struggled. Maybe not as much as those geniuses, but I actually tried. And frankly, I don’t know why I bothered. I saw it coming. Every single pillar of effort I exerted crumbled down to my feet. I just can’t take it anymore.

Yea, I’m "not giving enough".

I’m "giving up too soon".

I’m "just looking at the bad side".

I "need to stay strong"

Quit it… … …Just stop it. I’m already running low on energy as it is. If I give anymore, I’m afraid I might not be able to wake up one day. That I’ll just be staring at this cycle of crap from the other side. I know, I’m exaggerating. But that’s just how I feel. Overworked, Overstressed and a mountain of failures and dissapointments crushing my shoulders. Everyday, the only thing I watch is how my efforts go down the drain. How my life is becoming just one big question. What am I doing? Why am I doing this? When will these pains go away? How can I go on trying? Where am I going with all this?

My initial thought was that "Learn from your failure and build on it" and "Just because I’ve stopped, doesn’t mean I’ve given up completely". Well…this kind of thinking has brought me a world of stress and dissapointment. Everyone is born with limits. Some breakable, others impenetrable. I’ve just realized this. In this game we call life, I am a mediocre character with walls surrounding my growth. I can only develop so much before hitting an end to it. My evolution in life is restricted and I have to accept that. Stop trying. Stop aiming for that which you can never reach. For that which there’s no point in reaching.

You have your strength, use it. You have your abilities, let it grow. For those irrelevent skills your mind finds incomprehensible, discard then. If the wall is too high to climb, go around it. You still get past it, and you don’t have to be afraid of falling off the wall. It’s not running away, it’s accepting who you are and growing as your body and mind allows it.