Kouda Mainframe

Dear diary, fuck you.

God! Its such a pain the ass to see the result slip. Its like watching my fukin efforts bein ripped apart, smashed, torn, slit, slashed, bashed, burned, serrated, ground, sliced, diced, thrown, kicked, mauled, and bombarded with every form of physical and mental pain that exists in this god-forsaken world.

For the love of Lucifer, I wish i could just go to the nearest department store, buy a mace, mallet, hammer, whatever it is that I could use to just pound the shit out of all those who piss me off. And in this case, the damned lecturers.

And okay, i want to smacked the crap out of me for actually putting all my efforts and even considering that there is the slightest possibility that i could achieve sumthin other than ABSOLUTE FAILURE!!! You see people, I AM considerate. I blame not only the bastards around me. I also blame my EFFIN SELF. Happy? I know I’m a compilation of all the negative things in this sphere of dirt and liquid we call Earth. I accept it. I acknowledge it. I live with it.

But u know, it hurts like cancer when you take a look at that result slip and see just that; SLIP. As in all your positive emotions sliding down the drain. Slipping into the mouth of Hell, disintegrating into ashes.

Look, if i wanted to see my results drop slowly, painfully slowly to the point where I’d probably get kicked out of uitm, I would just spend my waking moments playing the PSP, workin on my game, watchin anime, drawing and shit. But instead, I restrained myself. Limit myself. I play, but I work. I held back all those desires of momentary pleasure and aimed for the satisfaction of achieving higher grades. But now? I see that what i gained is nothing more that what i would have, EVEN if I laid in bed, hands gripping the PSP, or my mind scraping for false creativity to put on paper, or straining my eyes with countless entertaining animation.

Listen people, seeing the curve of your achievements for a downward line is one thing. But witnessing it doing so even after u BUSTED your skinny ass for days on end is a whole new game. I know i didn’t study like 24/7 or gave up sleep just to memorize a few fuggin lines in my notes. But I did what i could. I tried the limits of my miniscule lump of brain cells. I consumed all my caffeine and coke that i possessed. Emptied my fridge of any form of physical and mental stimulation. And I’m not even talkin bout porno here. Just so that i could boost whatever capabilities I had in order to achieve an almost invisible amount of increment in my grades. And instead? I get a decrease in CGPA. Well done karma, you’ve proven yourself true.

God mocks my efforts.

This entry was posted on Friday, December 7th, 2007 at 10:27 pm and is filed under Mainframe Update. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.